Wednesday, October 29, 2008

A letter to the Red States

I found this one, it got me to chuckle a bit...

Dear Red States,

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii , California , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois , New York , and all of the Northeasternstates. After this election, we'll be adding Colorado and New Mexico .

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, especially to the people of our new country - Nuevo California . To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states; we get stem cell research, the best beaches, and the best ski resorts.

We get Elliot Spitzer; you get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty; you get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft; you get WorldCom. We get Stanford,Harvard, Princeton, Yale , Cal Tech, MIT and Columbia ; you get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs; you get Alabama . We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than that of the Christian Coalition, we get a bunch of happy families and you get a bunch of under-educated single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we'll need all of our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They apparently have kids they're willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't mind if you don't televise their kid's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq and hope that those Weapons of Mass Destruction turn up for you, but we're not willing to spend any more of our money in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States, we will control 80 percent of the country's fresh water, 90 percent of pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 97 percent of America 's quality wines (you can serve French wines at your state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools.

We also get New England ,the Great Lakes and Yosemite , thank you very much.

In the Red States, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, 100 percent of tornadoes, 94 percent of hurricanes, 99 percent of Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, and Clemson. Additionally, in the Red States, 38 percent actually believe Jonah was swallowed by a whale; 62 percent believe life is sacred unless it involves the death penalty or semi automatic gun ownership; 44 percent claim that evolution is only a theory; 53 percent insist that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11; and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you have higher moral standards than those of us on the left.

By the way, we're taking all the good pot, too. You get that dirt weed from Mexico and Kansas ditches.

Peace out,

The Blue States

2 comments:

Ande said...

Dear Blue States

If you manage to win this election it is because you bought it and/or Acorn helped you steal it…remember Bush won the electoral vote and the popular vote in 2004 …we did not need to steal anything. John Kerry was just an idiot and America figure that out. If you win this election, America then proves ignorance is bliss and the Red States encourage your succession from the USA and insist you take Obama with you.

It is about time you formed your own country! The rest of the country has been wondering for years when that would finally happen-we all thought it would take an earthquake. We encourage you to take the Blue States with you, that includes California , Hawaii, Oregon, Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin (which has the highest # of binge drinkers) , Michigan (10th most dangerous state in the country) , Illinois (home of Obama, Ayres, Wright) and all the Northeast - We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the Red States.


We believe you will be getting the short end of the stick but it is your choice to leave. Keep your states on either coasts and embryonic stem cell research. The #1 beach in the US 2008 is Caladesi Island State Park, Dunedin, Florida and there is plenty of ocean water beach and sun bordering red states! Oh yeah and can keep embryonic stem cell research. Researchers at your beloved Harvard Medical School say adult stem cells are more effective and may eliminate the need for embryonic ones anyway!


You get the Statue of Liberty. And while you scoff at the fact we get Dollywood, I think you forget we also get Disneyworld. Someone else will have to be host to “Gay Days” because us Red States are pretty over the crude and vulgar behavior of the “in your face” homosexual crowd. You see we would no more tolerate heterosexuals behaving in the crude manner the homosexuals display in public at this family theme park.


You may get Intel and Microsoft. But we get WorldCom and don’t forget NASA!

You get Harvard. We get Ole' Miss. We also get The United States Air Force Academy along with MANY other outstanding educational institutions. Food for thought…Harvard is President Bush’s alma mater…you hate President Bush so much and think he is a utter idiot and yet you gloat over the fact that you get to keep the institution that educated him…
The Red States are home to many smart, innovated Americans that will rise to the task. We get Alabama. and Texas, Utah, Florida and really most of the entire US except the two extreme coasts. You get Hollywood and Yosemite …Take Hollywood and remember its residents will then forfeit all rights to their vacation homes in the Red States. While we might miss Yosemite, we get Yellowstone, the Rocky Mountains and the Smoky Mountains, Mt Rushmore and more!


We get the oil producing states while you blue states can keep paying Iran for your oil. With you environmental whacko’s out of the way we will finally be able to “drill baby drill” in ANWR and off the Florida Coast and use nuclear energy to sustain and grow our economy and keep our money here in the USA producing jobs and industry like we could have been doing all along had you blue states decided to leave sooner.

You may get most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, but in a newly released audio recording, Barack Obama makes it clear that the coal industry will be "bankrupt" if they build more coal plants in America.

OBAMA: "So if somebody wants to build a coal-powered plant, they can; it's just that it will bankrupt them because they're going to be charged a huge sum for all that greenhouse gas that's being emitted." (Interview with San Francisco Chronicle 01/17/08)

You dissed single mom’s saying the Red States get them because basically you don’t want them, but wasn’t Barack Obama raised by a single mom from a Red State? Too bad she was not Pro Choice!


We know Nuevo California will be pro-choice keeping it legal to murder your own babies; and against war thus against using force against their enemies - we would hate for one of our enemies get hurt or God forbid killed. You say you are going to want all your citizens back from Iraq at once, but remember that many of your citizens are there by choice and do not want to come home until their job is done. You say if we need people to fight to ask our evangelicals. Quote “They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.” Here is the response from the Red States: It is the children of the pro-life evangelicals who have chosen to die to defend your rights and the rights of others around the world. Remember it is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us our freedoms. It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag. Aren’t you glad they made that choice? Try saying “Thank You” rather than putting a knife in their back by asking them to waive the white flag of surrender.

Please make us red states understand how it is not hypocritical for you to want peace and an end to war. You want to save the animals and planet and even tress from being cut down but you wish death upon the Christian evangelicals and their children and fight for the right to murder your own babies. Maybe we are just not as “enlightened” as you -hopefully being pro-choice works out and eventually your kind will become extinct.

No worries, we have apples, peaches and Florida oranges. We also have corn, wheat, beans, soy, dairy farms and cattle ranches so I do not think that there will be a shortage of fruit, veggies or cheese. I have a feeling the Blue States will not be missed. Remember who was born out of Red States…John Kerry (Aurora, CO); John Edwards (Seneca, South Carolina); Barack Obama’s mom was from Kansas…

Here is a little fun trivia about the states you “get” to keep…Nevada was ranked as the 4th unhealthiest state and Delaware ranked 10th unhealthiest for having the highest rate of new AIDS cases being reported as well as the highest number of new STD cases.

We may have tornados and hurricanes but at least we know they are coming, unlike earthquakes.


We have 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, and Rush Limbaugh-Thank GOD! Remember, Rush Limbaugh’s career took off on AM KFBK in Sacramento. Additionally we in the Red States do believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, and we believe life is sacred even when we're discussing war. We believe the death penalty is for murders and rapists and not for defenseless unborn babies. We believe in the right to bear arms. We believe that evolution is only a theory and we also believe it is a false theory…take a look around This universe all coming together in such perfect harmony by chance takes far more faith to believe in than in does to believe we were created perfectly by mighty God in His infinite power and wisdom. You call us crazy bastards saying we believe we have with higher morals than you lefties and well frankly we do. We would never have called you crazy bastards even though we think you are! And in spite of all of the nasty things you say about us crazy evangelicals in the Red States, remember we pray for you anyway.

Finally, you say you are taking all the good pot leaving us with that dirt weed they grow in Mexico. Take the pot you will need it! It will definitely take a “pipe dream” to live in a world where Barack Hussein Obama makes sense.


The Red States

Caitlin said...

Bitter, table of one. Bitter, table of one. Would you like the screeding, or non screeding section?